Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
