those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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