Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
