Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
