I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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