I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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