Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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