$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
