he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
