Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
