You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
