just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
