I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
