i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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