his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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