Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize