oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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