i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
