Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
