I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
