i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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