I'm really into asian looking animals
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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