my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
