He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
