I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
