Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
