Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
