can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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