Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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