new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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