he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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