i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
