You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
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I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
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It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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