i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
