I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
