He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
