u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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