I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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