My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
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Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize