She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
