apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize