Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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