A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
