my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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