I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
