omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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