As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
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His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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