On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My ATM looks so different sober.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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