You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
