is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
