he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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