i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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