I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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