I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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