Pappa wants mamma naked
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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