i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
